SOS: The Menace of Stalking (Part 2):
- bhaines18
- Mar 3, 2024
- 14 min read
Welcome back! Hope you all enjoyed Part 1 of my blog. Part 2 is going to focus on how to recognise if you're being stalked and what to do. I'll also be sharing more stories from real survivors from across the UK.
Interview: I'm Being Stalked By My Ex-Customer
Woman A bravely contacted me to tell me about her experiences of being a survivor of a stalker. She met her stalker in 2017 and a relationship soon developed. After meeting him at her retail job, he reached out to her on Facebook, and took part in a horrifying campaign of stalking that continues to this day.
Like so many stories I've heard the relationship started off great, "he seemed amazing at first." But, after the relationship broke down, due to addiction issues, her ex-boyfriend began a terrifying campaign of stalking that Woman A still endures to this day.
When Woman A began a new relationship, she started to notice small odd things and soon realised that she was being stalked. "He would tamper into my Google accounts, watch my location … and all my passwords were tampered with." Woman A went onto describe how she dreads the day when her stalker finds out her address and how his actions and behaviour have affected her mental health. "I just feel creeped out. Still waiting on the day he finds out where I live now."
Although Woman A's story isn't the typical story of being followed and receiving unwanted gifts, it's nonetheless terrifying. She went onto say: "My current partner had a very noticeable car, when we first started talking, and one night we went through to Tesco. I got a message saying; 'you're with him and youv [you've] just driven over the bridge.' He would watch out for the car." Like a lot of stalking survivors, Woman A didn't report her ex to the police. "I don't do well with drama. I don't like to drag the authorities into it, because sometimes it's more hassle than it's worth." From my past experiences with a stalker and the justice system, I can totally understand why she and other survivors can feel this way. But, why should survivors feel this way? and what can be done to change this perception?
When I asked Woman A whether she thinks her stalker will ever move on, she stated: "He's had plenty of other relationships, since we split, but every now and again he pops up. I don't think he will ever fully leave me alone. But, I've learnt to try and just ignore it and to not let it get to me." Why should anyone live in a state of constant fear and settle for a life of being continually stalked?
Finally, I asked Woman A how she feels towards her stalker now. "How do I feel now? Nothing for him at all. Disgusted by him. But to begin with I did feel sorry for him, because I know he had mental health issues, etc. But, I tried helping him with that and got nowhere." Woman A's bravery in telling her story highlights how the perception of reporting it is that 'it's more trouble than it's worth'. My question is, what can be done and how do we change that perception?
Am I Being Stalked?
After interviewing a number of stalking survivors, doing some research, and from my past experiences I found that some survivors, including myself, didn't realise what stalking was and that it was illegal. Some survivors said that they knew what it was, but didn't know how to reach out for help or were worried that they wouldn't be believed.
If you're unsure if you are being stalked, ask yourself the following questions. If the answer is yes then it's time to reach out for help.
Am I being contacted by/or are in some way bothered by this person?
Are these contacts/behaviours unwanted?
Have I been threatened with or have experienced any violence from this person?
Do these experiences make me feel frightened, anxious, or distressed?
Interview: My Stalker Hid Under My Bed and Planned To Kill Me
Woman D's stalker was a co-worker who she had entered a relationship with, in 2011. After a four year long abusive relationship, her ex-boyfriend stalked her for a further two years.
Looking back, Woman D noticed that some concerning behaviours manifested early on in the relationship. "Knowing what I know now anyway, [the abuse started] quite quickly. It kind of started with financial abuse. Then moved on to cutting me off from my family and friends, etc. Then the physical abuse. All within the first year." However, Woman D didn't realise that his actions and behaviours were abusive. "It took quite a while to click onto what was happening. When I did click, I was probably more worried. Like how I was going to feed my baby, etc. This kind of leads onto the isolation."
After enduring a four year long abusive relationship, Woman D found the courage to end it. Although she was free from the relationship, her now-ex was only just getting started. "I ended it. I don't know how I found the courage or what made me speal up, but it was actually to a specialist nurse. I told her it was him who split my head open and how it happened. That's what started the ball rolling." A time of healing and peace was interrupted as her ex began a terrifying campaign of stalking. "It started with texts, phone calls, etc. The more I ignored [him] the more he would do it. Then that's where he started just being everywhere I went. I took the kids to school, he was there. Went to the shop, he was there. Went to work, he was there when I finished."
Woman D's stalker began escalating his behaviour to a dangerous level and violence soon pursued. A study conducted, in 2011, found that 5.1 million women had fallen victim to a stalker in the United States, in 2010. Of that 5.1 million women, 81% who had been/or were being stalked by a former partner reported to being physically assaulted. "I honestly felt like the world was conspiring against me. I didn't trust anyone. I wasn't safe. But, I still didn't go back. That's when the breaking into my house started. " Woman D described an incident when her stalker broke into her house and hid under her bed. He later admitted that he had planned to kill her that night. On another occasion he forcefully attempted to remove Woman D's children from her home. It was at this time, social work assisted Woman D escaping from her home with her children. "That was when social work knew me, and my kids really weren't safe. They moved me out two days later. My escape was in a social worker's car, which was following two unmarked police cars , which were followed by two unmarked police cars, followed by another unmarked police car, and a marked police car."
However, Woman D soon found that, in the eyes of the law, stalking was very difficult to prove and she encountered a number of hurdles. "There were already criminal charges pending for the abuse. But the stalking was very different in the eyes of the law. Or at least that's how it felt. I'd report the presents being left, being followed home from work, everything he done I reported. But it fell under the same 'It's a public place', 'he has just as much of a right to be there as you do', or 'he is allowed to walk along the street', 'where's the proof that it's him leaving all the stuff at your door', 'we can't use the CCTV evidence because of human rights', and 'we are not a logging system'. I mean you hit that brick wall time and time again, can you really trust that the police are there to keep us safe?" Like so many of the brave women I've had the pleasure of interviewing, Woman D felt the police didn't provide adequate support. With the exception of one police woman. But, she also recognises that the problems are more around the actual stalking laws, as they limit the powers of the police. "It really isn't the police's fault. I think the problem is the law. Police can only act where a crime has been committed … They can't do what we want to them to. So, maybe if the law was changed and the guidelines on right and wrong, the police could act and in turn provide us with the adequate support." After a three-year long battle for justice, Woman D's stalker was only given a six month long prison sentence.
Like a lot of stalking survivors, Woman D has suffered lasting effects from her traumatic experienced with her stalker. "I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Emotional Dysregulation. I have to pop pills, daily, to function at a normal level. Some days are shit and some days are brilliant. I think the best way to describe it is I almost over feel. I live with all my heart, I'm overly generous, but I'm very cautious. Trusting people in general is hard … But, yeah this is me. I wouldn't say I'm broken but maybe more imperfect. Like, smashing a mirror and gluing it back together. It's never going to be the same as it was, is it? But, I'm stronger." This positive outlook is inspiring and I hope other stalking survivors can take something from this too. Woman D went onto say: "I'm not scared of him. He's done some dodgy stuff since his release, but nothing to the same level as what it was. To me anyway. I mean up until now he was [living] two and a half hours away down the road. He's now also moved closer. So, time will tell I suppose. But, I'm not scared of him. I don't even feel angry or bitter. I feel nothing. I keep my focus on my babies and keeping myself right. If he tried anything anything I feel I have the tools and knowledge to deal with it." Woman D has shown tremendous amount of courage and lives life to the fullest for herself and her children. But, like most stalking cases the threat of her stalker returning is never far away.
The Reasons Stalkers Stalk and Types of Stalkers:
Stalkers have the mistaken belief that they can justifiably force another person to listen to them, pay them attention, or force them into doing something.
Some stalkers may know that their behaviour and actions are illegal, but either can't comprehend or don't care about the consequences. Other stalkers may believe they have a good or justifiable reason for targeting their victim. However, both law and society, rightly, see stalking as unjustifiable and unacceptable.
Although stalking behaviours are all very similar in stalking cases. The types of stalker and the reasons they engage in these behaviours vary. Experts have broken them down into five types.
The Rejected Stalker:
This type of stalker targets someone they've typically shared a close bond with (a partner, family member, or friend), after the relationship breaks down they begin to target them. The rejected stalker's aim is to either attempt to mend the broken relationship/bond, or to seek revenge on the target for their perceived rejection.
The Resentful Stalker:
This type of stalker perceives that they've been mistreated, humiliated, or received an injustice by the target. The target can vary from an acquaintance or from a stranger. The resentful stalker's aim is based on a strong desire for revenge, or to 'even the score.'
The Intimacy Stalker:
This type of stalker arises from their feelings of loneliness and isolation. Targets can vary from acquaintances to complete strangers. The intimacy stalker aims to form an emotional bond and intimate relationship with their target. Often the intimacy stalker holds delusion that the target is flirting with them or that they're engaged to the target, despite there being no such connection that exists.
The Incompetent Suitor:
The incompetent suitor stalks targets due to their feelings of loneliness or lust. They can target anyone (from acquaintances to complete strangers). Unlike the aims of the intimacy seeker, the incompetent suitor aims to have a short-term sexual encounter with their target or to secure a date with them.
The Predatory Stalker:
Predatory stalking usually arises in someone who has deviant sexual desires or interests. The predatory stalker tends to be a male, who targets mainly female strangers. The target usually becomes the sexual fixation of the stalker.
Interview: My Husband Became My Stalker:
Woman G met her to-be husband in 2004 whist he was dating her sister. After the relationship with her sister ended, they started to get to know each other, and a relationship developed. But it wasn’t like a regular relationship. It was one full of abuse and control. After the relationship ended, her now-husband began a terrifying campaign of stalking.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and looking back Woman G noticed that the relationship had red flags very early on. “Looking back at it there was a lot of concerns, and I should’ve seen the red flags. Love bombing, isolating me from my friends back home, and trying to isolate me from my family.” In 2022, Shane Co. surveyed 1,014 people, aged 18-55, across the U.S. to uncover how many Americans have been love bombed. 70% of respondents said they had fallen victim to love bombing and 76% of that number were female. Woman G’s family viewed the love bombing and controlling behaviour as him caring. So, even when Woman G did recognise the abuse she was left with no support system.
Woman G blamed herself, and her need for approval, as well as low self-confidence for playing a part in why she stayed in the relationship. “[I thought] maybe it is me, maybe he can do better. I had mental health issues from a young age because of my childhood and other things. So, it was a case of I was looking for somebody’s approval and he gave me that. But then started to take it away. He was very good at what he did.” She described one of the worst incidents when he locked her in the house. “I think the worst one was when we were married … and I tried to go to work. He had taken the house key and locked me in the house. The police turned up at the door looking for him and because I was unable to open the door, I couldn’t speak to them. I had to speak out through the door, and they weren’t happy.”
Woman G’s bravery and inner strength shined through when she described why she ended the relationship. “I did initiate it but somebody else was involved. They asked me a question and by this point I had started to see that he wasn’t good. But this person asked me the simplest question … It was very blunt, and I will always say this person did save my life and changed my life. They asked, ‘Why are you with him?’ I hesitated before answering and then said it’s because I love him… When she asked that question, I knew my marriage was over that day.” In 2022, The National Centre for Injury Prevention and Control conducted and published The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence in the United States. It showed that 40% of respondents were being stalked by a current or ex-partner. In 2003, Mary Brewster published a study for the Journal of Family Violence. The study involved semi-structured interviews of 187 women who had been stalked by a former partner and found that 74% of the women had reported violence and/or coercive control during the relationship. After Woman G found evidence to suggest he was having an affair, she ended the relationship over the phone. “I phoned him, and he wasn’t happy. He got his boss involved and his boss came into my work and told me off in front of a manager.”
It was at this time that the stalking truly began and intensified. She was bombarded with text messages. “… the text messages were about what time I left work, what I was doing, when I got home. One of them asked me who’s car I had gotten into, as I had gotten into a work colleague’s car after work… But the stalking got worse. I was afraid and then the love-bombing tried to start. Sending flowers to where I was staying. I handed the flowers to the neighbour next door and then when that didn’t work it was ‘I’m really sorry I won’t do it again’. It was then the case of we’ll move back in together and that was too much. It did get worse and then because he couldn’t hurt me anymore, directly, he went through my family.” This left Woman G terrified and feeling very vulnerable. “I was absolutely afraid. Going to work during the day was absolutely fine. But coming home at night, I would get a lift from colleagues … I would get a taxi home. Just to feel safe. Because I never knew who could be waiting outside. I never knew if he’d be waiting outside of work, or if someone was following me. My brain went a hundred miles an hour during that whole time. Even if I was in the house, on my own, my door was locked, and I was constantly checking outside the windows to see if somebody was sitting outside watching. I was terrified that somebody was watching.” In 1998 a study was conducted in the U.S. which interviewed 8000 women and 8000 men. The study found that those who were victims of stalking missed an average of 11 days from work. 7% indicated that they had left their job. But Woman G wasn’t aware that she was even being stalked. “…As far as I was concerned it was harassment after ending the relationship. I didn’t realise it was stalking. It wasn’t until years later and I was like it was stalking.”
A study published in the Journal of Forensic Sciences 5, in 2006, found that fewer than a third of the fifty American states classify stalking as a felony on the first offence (regardless of the circumstances). Furthermore, more than a half of the states classify stalking as a felony after the second offence or when the crime involves aggravating factors (such as a weapon being involved, violation of a court order or parole, if the victim is a minor, or if there has been previous offences involving the same victim). Woman G did try and seek help. “I did reach out to the police to get some advice about what was happening. Their response was that they couldn’t do anything because he hadn’t physically done anything. That attitude has obviously changed now. But at the time that was the attitude that until he physically does something. I was like I’m afraid and trying to get a divorce was a nightmare.” Woman G often wonders if things would have been different if she had been offered some support or sign-posted to an organisation where she could get some advice and support. “I was left on my own. I think if I’d had some support I don’t know how things could’ve changed. It’s one of the things that I fight social workers on. If I had some more support would things have changed? … police should be able to sign-post, why can’t they sign post? It’s a simple conversation with the person. It doesn’t have to go on the record or even just hand a leaflet across. I think that would be helpful.”
Woman G went through a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. “I was spiralling for months. It got that bad that I phoned the social workers and asked them to take my kids off me. It was an absolute disaster.” Not only that, but her experiences with her stalker have also left a lasting effect on Woman G. “I would definitely say that I’m more vary around males … I don’t trust males easily at all. Relationships, I’ve had one since I’ve split from him, and he [stalker] went mental about it. Since my split up from him, I’ve not had another relationship at all.” This is common in stalking survivors. According to the Stalking Risk Profile survivors can suffer physically, emotionally, socially, financially, and affects on their career.
But Woman G has found peace, and her faith is what helps get her through the bad times. “I’m happy on my own. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I can go out when I want, and come in when I want.” She has a successful career and family life. But fear is never far away. “He’s got someone else to fixate on at the moment. There is a very small part of me is worried about him finding out my address and is afraid that I’m going to get harassed again. I know it’s been twelve years, but I’m aware of that and I am afraid of that.” Although Women G feels she could cope with the situation better now.” But I think I would be able to handle it because I would ring the police every time something happened. So, they could log it and [I would] use their records to get a restraining order or something.” Woman G is currently enjoying her independence and is focusing on her family and career.
Help! I'm Being Stalked:
Many victims struggle with how to respond to their stalkers. Some victims try reasoning with their stalkers to placate them, hoping that “being nice” will make it stop. Many victims minimise their experiences of being stalked, telling themselves “it’s not that bad.” Still others may confront or threaten the stalker or try to “fight back.” While victims cannot control the stalking behaviour, they should feel empowered to take steps to keep themselves, their families, and their loved ones safe.
Trust your instincts. Victims of stalking often feel pressured by friends or family to downplay the stalker’s behaviour, but stalking poses a real threat of harm. Your safety is paramount.
Call the police. If you feel you are in any immediate danger call the police and explain why the stalker’s actions are causing you fear. When reporting to the police keep a log of the date, time, name(s) of the officer you spoke to, what was said, and what action you were told to take.
Keep a record. Log every single contact with the stalker. You can use this log as an example (also available to download below). Be sure to document dates, times, a description of the incident, witnesses, etc.
Save evidence when possible. Stalkers often use technology to contact their victims. Save all emails, text messages, photos, and postings on social networking sites as evidence of the stalking behaviour. Or if they leave letters or gifts store them all in a clean dry box and limit touching them.
Get connected with a local victim support provider. They can assist you in exploring your options as well as discuss safety planning.
Keep yourself safe. Look into getting a personal alarm that you can carry around with you. Your local council may be able to provide a community alarm as well. Make sure someone always knows your movements, avoid going out alone, and keep to busy public places.
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